My father's eyes

Today has not been a good day. It's the anniversary of my father's death. Can't believe it's been 17 years. I was only 8 when he died, but remember him quite vividly. The fishing trips, watching cartoons, taking me to school. Some people say he was not a good man. He drank a lot and once even almost hit my mother. But what does that say about my perception of him? My girlfriend says I should hold on to the good I remember. Today I remembered all of it and it was a bitter sweet feeling. I hope he would have been proud if he saw my with Gaby. I hope he would have been proud of the way I (mostly) treat Ivana. I hope he would have been proud that I'm making something out of myself. Sometimes it's difficult because I'm always afraid I'm gonna have his bad sides.I'm certainly not proud of some of the way I've been behaving. I've been impatient, a loud mouth and impulsive. My biggest fear is that I'm going to drive my girlfriend away. I haven't been fair to her. She's working hard to finish school and to secure a future for her boy. She has her priorities straight. And unintentionally I've been holding that against her. Do I miss her? Like hell. Do I wish I could spend more time with her? Absolutely. But most of all, I'm damn proud of her. I guess I just have to be patient and loving and caring. Then I'll show what I'm made of. And again, make my father proud.

STOP AND THINK

I did a stupid thing yesterday. I hurt the most important person in the world to me by shooting my big mouth off. It was more important for me to get my opinion across without considering the possible consequences my words would cause. I admit to having this problem. I often talk without thinking. And this time it bit me in the ass. But for what it's worth, I swear I had no bad intentions, I would never hurt anybody intentionally. Especially her. But what's done is done and I have to live with my mistake. Word of advice: as much as you sometimes feel you have to say something, stop and think. I'm not writing this to play martyr. Hey, nobody is gonna read it anyway. This is therapy, a way to get it all out. But I do hope that I'll be forgiven. As much as I don't deserve to be. I'm sorry

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to disappear and send it all to hell? Yes, you're life may be good and you're surrounded by amazing people but there comes a breaking point when it just isn't enough? I've had enough of being nice and understanding for everything and everyone. Maybe an angry FB friend of mine had it right