My father's eyes

Today has not been a good day. It's the anniversary of my father's death. Can't believe it's been 17 years. I was only 8 when he died, but remember him quite vividly. The fishing trips, watching cartoons, taking me to school. Some people say he was not a good man. He drank a lot and once even almost hit my mother. But what does that say about my perception of him? My girlfriend says I should hold on to the good I remember. Today I remembered all of it and it was a bitter sweet feeling. I hope he would have been proud if he saw my with Gaby. I hope he would have been proud of the way I (mostly) treat Ivana. I hope he would have been proud that I'm making something out of myself. Sometimes it's difficult because I'm always afraid I'm gonna have his bad sides.I'm certainly not proud of some of the way I've been behaving. I've been impatient, a loud mouth and impulsive. My biggest fear is that I'm going to drive my girlfriend away. I haven't been fair to her. She's working hard to finish school and to secure a future for her boy. She has her priorities straight. And unintentionally I've been holding that against her. Do I miss her? Like hell. Do I wish I could spend more time with her? Absolutely. But most of all, I'm damn proud of her. I guess I just have to be patient and loving and caring. Then I'll show what I'm made of. And again, make my father proud.